I have a good reason. I am 11 weeks pregnant today. I am not sure I’m having a kid yet. 6 week scan showed all was good. A muppet could have done me a better scan at 7 weeks then this stupid woman did. After looking around for ages and saying she could see nothing she then said it was a pregnancy, she wasn’t sure it was a good one and if I miscarried there would be a lot of blood so I would need to go into hospital. And said there was no growth. And shoved us out the door in less than 5 minutes.
I flipped out. I spent all night hallucinating there was something dead inside me and it kept spreading disease throughout my body. That’s bipolar for you. So the next morning we went back to see what could be done as I was inches away from self harming - my husband had to sit up with me all night to stop it - only to be told they couldn’t see me but the report only said there had been a bit of growth and it was just too early to see anything more. I would have to come back at 8 weeks. At which point I flipped out again. Got signed off work for two weeks to rest and refused to go back to that place.
My care has now been transferred to the specialists who can deal with pregnant ladies with bipolar and hypothyroidism. Still pregnant as far as I am aware. Only a man could have named morning sickness that. My symptoms have steadily increased to the point where I throw up about 5 times a day at least. I can keep very little down. Work is a nightmare. I am so godammed tired and my boobs are like melons.
I want to punch people who say it is easy. It isn’t. I haven’t had another scan yet and won’t have one for another two weeks. I’m terrified of a missed miscarriage (I had a miscarriage in February so I know how they feel). My brain goes into overdrive with all the different horror stories that could happen and it’s impossible for me to just trust that my body will do what it needs to do one way or another.
Pregnant women are so discriminated against. My contract ends in December and I actually got offered a job at a different company. When I said that I was 10 weeks but didn’t know what was to happen they only went and withdrew the offer. What the hell. So I had to tell my current work and they were lovely but when I go to apply for a permanent position there next week I reckon I know what the answer is. Write all the laws in the world but people will just be people at the end of the day and that involves discrimination against others for no other reason than I have to take 3 months out.
I’m kind of trapped in a nightmare of my own making. I so wanted a child with my husband. I don’t know why as I was never bothered before. But I guess I have to realise some normal avenues are just not open to me. I have a serious psychiatric condition and I have to manage that first. One thing is for sure that regardless of the outcome I am never doing this again. I am in a living hell every day.
But the upshot is I am too sick to look at a screen for long either! So I can’t work on my blog it’s having a hiatus. Really enjoying everyone else’s though it’s a godsend you lie there with racing thoughts at 3am. Keep posting people :) and thanks for letting me share. Feel better already.
.•°*”˜˜”*°•.★✶* a freaking heel orgy *✶★•°*”˜˜”*°•.
The trouble with being short…
Show the world we want a phone worth keeping! #phonebloks
For the last few weeks I have been waking up without fail at around 3am and lying there like a moron for a good 2-3 hours before dozing and the alarm going off again for work an hour later. This is causing me serious issues with my bipolaryness as all kinds of thoughts and hallucinations come in the night when I am staring into the dark.
Tumblr has contributed massively to helping prevent my night demons from getting worse. So now instead of lying there with my imaginary nightmares keeping me company I get to see what you cool people are posting instead! Thank you all for helping keeping me sane :)
So I finally got around to watching the shock horror performance of Miley at the VMAs. I know, I know, I’m pretty behind the times but I have my reasons :)
My husband is laughing at me for the need to blog about this but fuck it I’m confused! I’ve seen more twerking in the first ten seconds of a Sean Paul video than throughout that whole clip! (back in the day it wasn’t called twerking - I thought that was normal dance hall shit that’s been around forever.) No wonder Rihanna looked like she was about to fall asleep.
Can someone explain the big deal to me please? Not for one moment did that girl look remotely serious about the whole thing - it’s something we humble British folk like to call ‘taking the piss’. There was only the sense of the ridiculous about that performance and if you can’t bring your kids up to tell the difference then the blame really is on you. The girl wants to explore who she is but women are frowned upon from doing that aren’t they.
Now I am not a feminist nor a Miley fan, I haven’t got a clue about her music and I probably never will, but she doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of censorious bs. Get a sense of humour people! If that had been (the admittedly dreadful) Niki Minaj or Rihanna herself then no one would have batted an eyelid. So how come black performers are expected to behave like prostitutes to get ahead but heaven forbid some nice white girl wants to have a bit of a laugh when on stage and explore her adult side. Seems a bit racist to me and double standards.
Rant over :)